You Serious Clark?

I hate watching the news. HATE it.

It’s not that I don’t want to be informed or aware, it just makes me mad or depressed. I’ll read about it all eventually. Since the perv purge started, I’m terrified I’ll see one of my childhood heroes or crushes implode my happy memories. If someone comes forward about Tom Hanks, I’m losing all faith in humanity.

But, I digress. I love reading weird and funny news. In today’s weird news, we find someone a little too full of Holiday joy.

Police in Sudbury, MA found themselves traveling behind a car transporting a Christmas Tree much larger than the car, and it wasn’t driven by the Griswold’s.

Picture from the Sudbury PD before pulling the car over

You serious Clark?

It may not be Clark, but I’m sure, whoever they are, their family has stories. And though the police handled the situation, I have questions…

How big is the house they plan on putting that monstrosity? That enormous tree is hanging a few feet off of the back of this car, who knows what the front view looks like. This is a Christmas Tree for Andre the Giant, not Susan down the street. I mean can you imagine how many strands of lights that sucker requires?

Where did they acquire it? I can only assume the forest, because surely no Christmas Tree farm employee would help someone tie Goliath on David’s back. OR was it from a farm and the employees just wanted to watch how it all played out? Both are legitimate possibilities I believe.

What do you think is living in it? Come on, a tree that massive has to have a few unwanted occupants. You can’t tell me you don’t think there is at least one concerning living creature in that tree.

How did this seem like the most logical and sound way of transportation? Do they not have one single friend that has a truck and/or trailer? Or thought maybe we should get a more realistic tree? Did they lose some sort of bet?

Could they even tell they were being pulled over? There is only a small portion of the back of the car that isn’t engulfed by the mammoth tree. There’s no way they can see out of any windows or mirrors. Loudspeaker? Smoke signals? And did the officers think they were hallucinating? I would have loved to be sitting on my front porch when that spectacle drove by!

Where is the tree now? I feel like I need closure. Did the police take the tree? Did they help them get it home? Did they get arrested for stealing the tree from a National Forest? All I have are questions.

I may or may not have sent the Sudbury Police Department a message asking for answers to the trees back story and current whereabouts.

Hope this gave you a good giggle for your Thursday! And remember to transport your trees responsibly!

Jerry Garcia’s Elf

It’s almost that stressful terrifying time again! We are a few short days away from Thanksgiving, which means it’s almost time for that damn elf that can’t just sit on a shelf. I’ve been a parent for 2 and a half years. I’ve bought two different elves. I’ll probably finish the North Poles Three’s Company cast this year, because I highly doubt I will remember where I put the last one.

Once I get said replacement elf #3, I’ll have to come up with something clever to have him do every night. Every. Single. Night. We have evil cats, so most of the cute little Pintrest ideas are a no go at our house. The cats leave me having to be original and creative instead of lazy, stress free, and copying. I’m not sure I have many believable excuses left as to why “Jerry” didn’t move (Sassy named our elf Jerry).

Last year I used:

  • Elf flu
  • Broken leg
  • He really liked the view
  • We forgot to leave a light on for him
  • I’m pretty sure you touched him, his magic is recharging.

The smarter and older your kids get, you can’t just give them the excuse and expect them to accept it. You better have back story.

Jerry also tends to do the same activities more than once on occasion. She notices that too. Again, back story.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas, but I never dreamed one little elf would be so much work. This is what happens when people with big ideas take it a few steps too far. I have a full-time job, an awful commute, a house to take care of, a human to keep alive, Jerry’s plans for the night just don’t fall on my radar.

What’s even better is now she’s at the gossip and compare age, and she doesn’t even know it. She’ll go to school and talk to her friends about what their elves did, and then come home and tell Jerry about it, like that’s going to make him step up his game. This is where I’m smarter than her.

I told you she named our Elf Jerry, she wanted to name him Dead. Dead as in The Grateful Dead, not just dead. Luckily, we compromised at Jerry Garcia. We love our music in this house. Little did she know, this gave me an out. When she tries pep talking Jerry in to some ridiculously elaborate ordeal, I remind her that Jerry likes things very chill and peaceful, and those outlandish things just aren’t in his wheelhouse but we love him anyway.

I’m sure in a few years, she’ll be drawing up name change paperwork. Until then, I can continue to slide through Elf season by the skin of my teeth, thanks to Jerry Garcia.