You Serious Clark?

I hate watching the news. HATE it.

It’s not that I don’t want to be informed or aware, it just makes me mad or depressed. I’ll read about it all eventually. Since the perv purge started, I’m terrified I’ll see one of my childhood heroes or crushes implode my happy memories. If someone comes forward about Tom Hanks, I’m losing all faith in humanity.

But, I digress. I love reading weird and funny news. In today’s weird news, we find someone a little too full of Holiday joy.

Police in Sudbury, MA found themselves traveling behind a car transporting a Christmas Tree much larger than the car, and it wasn’t driven by the Griswold’s.

Picture from the Sudbury PD before pulling the car over

You serious Clark?

It may not be Clark, but I’m sure, whoever they are, their family has stories. And though the police handled the situation, I have questions…

How big is the house they plan on putting that monstrosity? That enormous tree is hanging a few feet off of the back of this car, who knows what the front view looks like. This is a Christmas Tree for Andre the Giant, not Susan down the street. I mean can you imagine how many strands of lights that sucker requires?

Where did they acquire it? I can only assume the forest, because surely no Christmas Tree farm employee would help someone tie Goliath on David’s back. OR was it from a farm and the employees just wanted to watch how it all played out? Both are legitimate possibilities I believe.

What do you think is living in it? Come on, a tree that massive has to have a few unwanted occupants. You can’t tell me you don’t think there is at least one concerning living creature in that tree.

How did this seem like the most logical and sound way of transportation? Do they not have one single friend that has a truck and/or trailer? Or thought maybe we should get a more realistic tree? Did they lose some sort of bet?

Could they even tell they were being pulled over? There is only a small portion of the back of the car that isn’t engulfed by the mammoth tree. There’s no way they can see out of any windows or mirrors. Loudspeaker? Smoke signals? And did the officers think they were hallucinating? I would have loved to be sitting on my front porch when that spectacle drove by!

Where is the tree now? I feel like I need closure. Did the police take the tree? Did they help them get it home? Did they get arrested for stealing the tree from a National Forest? All I have are questions.

I may or may not have sent the Sudbury Police Department a message asking for answers to the trees back story and current whereabouts.

Hope this gave you a good giggle for your Thursday! And remember to transport your trees responsibly!

Fury Road

To get to and from work everyday I have to travel on the Birmingham equivalent to the 405 in Los Angeles. It’s basically Mad Max Fury Road. Some days, I beat the road. Reading the lanes, finding breaks in traffic, and getting home before my bladder bursts. Other days, such as today, the road beats me.

I try to be optimistic about my travels home, if I haven’t heard of any incidents by the time I’m walking to my car. I get in my car, and get some music going to pump myself up for Fury Road. So far so good. I’m casually driving the speed limit towards the interstate, no one is driving like a moron, we might actually do this!

It takes a total of 2 miles and 5 minutes for all of that to go to hell in a hand basket.

Now I’m surrounded by idiot drivers, I’m excited if I go above 15 mph, and I’m pretty sure I just saw a toddler flip off an old lady. And so this fresh hell begins.

It only gets worse. At this point, I’m 30 minutes into my drive and have witnessed two wrecks, 5 birds being flipped, about 8 people texting, 4 cars bail out, and a car full of teenagers cutting people off with centimeters to spare. I also have to pee.

Here’s the thing, I’m a happy person, I like doing nice things for people, I want everyone to get along and be happy. I’m a peaceful person. BUT, for whatever reason, traffic makes me hate people indiscriminately. Why can’t people just follow the rules of the road and drive like a semi-sane individual?

Annnnnnnnddd now the mouth breathing teenagers almost take off the entire front end of my car.

I still have to pee.

I’ve made it over half way. I can do this. I’m not going to cry, or be on the news….I repeat to myself chanting.

I was actually sitting in park at one point. IN PARK. On the interstate. With a full bladder and needing a snack and a hug. The guy next to me was devouring a glorious burger. Bastard.

After about 10 minutes, we start crawling again. Then we stop. Then we crawl. Then we stop. Luckily, Stella had already been picked up from school and wasn’t hearing any of mommy’s traffic words.

I’m still at least 5 miles from an exit that will get me home. Still have to pee. Still trying not to cry. Oh and did I mention a rock cracked my windshield, and I ran over something loud and suspicious from the car in front of me?

I honestly don’t know if the tears I was holding back were from traffic or the feeling of my bladder trying to rupture.

I’ve finally made it to my exit 73 minutes later. I see the bright beautiful lights of the Jack’s. I can save my bladder from self destruction. I park and start to run inside, without unbuckling my seat belt. There were witnesses…

They also watched me run across the parking lot. I don’t run, ever, so I’m sure it was a sight to see. Especially the part where I tripped over the curb and almost face planted the door.

I walked back to my car and decided to go through the drive-thru for a milkshake. I deserved it for not having a psychotic break or a news worthy road rage moment. Fury Road bested me, but I just restocked my purse with snacks and Xanax, today I’ll be ready!